Why I'll never be "Team Mom"

My latest frustration...sports. My boys are in t-ball and baseball right now. It's a parks & rec beginner league. It's supposed to be a fun, low stress situation. They're supposed to learn the sport, have fun, and get some exercise. Some parents make that simply impossible. So I've compiled a list of things I'd like to say to many of the parents I've encountered in the two years my boys have played flag football, baseball, soccer, and basketball.


1) Do not give yourself a stroke yelling at your son for missing a pass. It's flag football. He's learning.


2) These kids have spent the past hour running and sweating. Please, snack-mom-of-the-week, do not attempt to give them kool-aid and candy as snack. 


3) I'm sorry you didn't make the NBA, crazed dad. But making your 8 year old son cry at basketball PRACTICE for missing a basket is really unnecessary. 


4) No, I'm really not interested in spending $20 to have my son's last name put on his $10 t-shirt for flag football. 


5) The only reason I'm giving you $20 for a team banner is because I don't want my kid to be the only kid without his name on the damn thing. We're 4 games into our 9 game season. Is this necessary???


6) Cursing at the referee during your 6 year old's basketball game for "Not calling an f'ing foul" is quiet crude. I'm glad they kicked you out, dumb ass.


7) Yelling instructions at your child, while the coach is talking to your child is quite counterproductive. Can you let the coach do their job? Here's an idea...volunteer to coach next season if you think you can do better!


8) Your son and that other boy collided while playing football. Your son got hurt. You have no business yelling at our coach about how it's "his fault" and "what are you teaching these kids?". It was an accident. WE all saw it. The other kid apologized to your son. Calm the hell down.


9) Seriously, if you think you can do a better job coaching the kids, then VOLUNTEER TO DO IT YOURSELF. Please quit complaining and venting about how the coach doesn't know this and that. 


10) The coach emailed the change in practice at 10am. He also called and left you a voicemail. How is it HIS fault you never checked your email or voicemail during the day, which made your son an hour late??


This is why I can never be a Team Mom. I'd end up taking a flask of wine to every game.